A day well spent (Diary Entry)

A Discourse on Life, this morning

So, it was just another day in my college. Days in college pass like the wind- they blow away :)

I was still not in the frame of mind to understand what's going on in my life nor did I try to trigger those emotions. Because in a state of perpetual sadness you should never risk a thought that you know is capable of destroying you. Having experienced it myself, my mind told my heart not to think too much. I tried to divert my mind by listening to songs like 'Silhouette' and 'Fireflies' by Owl City, ' Same Old Love' by Salena Gomez, ' Jar of Hearts' by Christina Perri and  Five Hundred Miles by Justin Timberlake. Music is a great escape but at times it too triggers and worsens situations.

Well, all this fuss is regular (and I bet, not only in my life). So, let me tell you about the discourse I had with a stranger on the internet. Our interests matched said the site , interest was "Life"!

Before the person could ask me how my life is, my words went "Life is Pain!"

No doubt, it was agreed. And then, we had a talk where we decided not to ask anything about each other- any label that society puts on. Just a good conversation was our aim, after all it was morning and we needed to feel fresh and good like everyone else..

I began the conversation with three basic questions [ which you can also answer if you want :) ]

1. Why are humans so full of pain?

2. Why we need people who don't need us?

3. Why do we want to talk when we know nobody has time to listen?

"Ah.. All we need is ourselves. I am listening" came the reply. 

I said, " I know, but it's hard to share your happiness with only yourself and comfort yourself by telling the things you already know....but, don't believe.." 

"What do you do to be happy?" was my next question. "I Believe and I Dream" is a positive reply,  I thought. I said we do try to do that but its difficult at times. "Nothing is free" flashed on my screen. Yes, agreed. Nothing is free, not even our tears, but we waste them. We waste a heck lot of them. Disturb ourselves to the limit that we can no more live... and fall in the Unbreakable cycle of "Think-Weep-Sleep_think-Get up- Think-Weep..."....that's painful and self hurting... still, we appear powerless to our overpowering thoughts. Thoughts which have the ability to make or break you. Thoughts which must be controlled . But, Thoughts that don't leave, thoughts that leave no room for us except to feel worthless, depressed and lifeless..And we only have distant hopes (hopes that might never actually come true) that we will be happy one day... may be, only when we are dead. 

Then, I asked the person, "Why are you sad?"

"Because I live alone. What about you?"

"Well, I live with people .. and I love them, yet, I feel i would be happier alone (though inside I know, it won't be so) "

"I miss a soul . I feel the opposite."

" I too miss a soul. We all do. Nobody is out there for you all the time but, we do desire so. We miss a person who could be with us all the time. But, with people comes expectations. And with expectations come disappointments and pain". 

We talked about dreams , love, shattering and pain. (Quite common in this wicked world, ha?)

Since we both were afraid of the pain that comes with love, I recommended my stranger friend to listen to "When love arrives" by Sarah Kay and Phil Kaye on You tube..that's a nice poem.. as it beautifully draws love.. ". . .and love leaves.. it cannot stay, may be it should, may be it should not.."

Being alone was never a problem , feeling lonely was, is and sad to say but, will be ...

I thanked my stranger friend for the conversation. My teacher entered the class and the discourse had to end...But, we don't let go things easily, isn't it.. "I will wait" , I managed to see on my screen  between the lecture. I was thinking (Cooking stories on my head about our future discourse but in the backdrop I was reminding myself that the lecture is of an hour and by no means can a person wait that long)..

As soon as the class got over ( to be honest, a little before that) , I saw that the chat has been disconnected...

After all, "How long can we actually wait!"..

What matters are the feelings we associate with words, gestures ,actions (and people) .. ...:)

- Rashmirekha Pandit