On not knowing

 Hey pal,

You know it has been so much, so long, so weird that I get so confused with slightest things. I mean I really do not know where I will land up and what my interests are. I have infact been not knowing all these since so long that sometimes I feel whether there is a copyright that I should apply for.

However, easy it is to say that when nothing is sure, everything is possible. . It is unfathomably frightening to live with. What adds to the levels of discomfort is the unbearable weight of insecurities that we keep adding up as we grow. I wonder what would it mean to be unapologetically ourselves. What would it seem like to be a person confident, smiling and knowing exactly what is to be done. I want to be that wise. 

I don't say not knowing is stupid, though at times that is how I make myself feel. It is actually fine to be confused, to be average at a lot of things, hence not exactly knowing what to pursue. Sometimes, I feel the larger goals are clear to me, i.e. somewhere to be happy, comfortable, satisfied and loved. But these are very vague words and feelings. One knows not what they convey or stand for, more so, each is not free from the ties with its opposites. Furthermore, I always seemed to believe these exist not in binary but as a spectrum. 

It is always universe exploding inside my head, I don't know if others feel likewise. And many times, I would get this urge to jot all of this, more like a compulsion. The question of choices, interests and plan ahead shakes me up and leaves me sad. It makes my mind surrender to thoughts it had long put behind dark cages, lest it disturbs the normal bodily functioning of a mortal piece of earth like me.

Just telling myself, to breathe, to keep swimming and that everyone's a bit hazed up, and all of this is okay. 

Love, 

Rashmi

17th September 2020