Of pain and this and that

I don't know why I put things here.. because I don't know who reads and when, and because I never get your side of the story. One basic thing I always felt missing in the world was people are all similiar in their Pain and vulnerabilites, yet when things happen which are brighter, they say somethings which removes all the negativity that was also around them, as if people with choas are different from them, and then even after going through something we may not be emphatic enough or awkward too to comfort someone in need. This is for me, this if it makes you feel belongingness is yours as well. There are perhaps, more than I put here but that's a video vlog you can ask for (I have already asked mine) when we understand what is beyond us..beyond mortal selfs.. if there is something, which I feel sometimes is. To the universe all powerful.

Pain feels like something that your heart wants to let out, your eyes want to let out, every inch of your body wants to break down. And vanish. And die. And just not be. Something weird keeps things going, at times you will feel that yes, the heart is paining and it is suffocating because u have actually stopped to breathe suddenly. And then you breathe again. 

Pain comes and it subsides sometimes, only to be back with harder splashes. I do not say I am the only one feeling it, how can it be? I know you do too, we all do. I want to consciously not think from other sides because mine is heavy as well and when I do from yours too, I get stuck and become a miserable mess. 

Believe me, I am anguised, I am hurt and I am sad, somewhere I feel trust broken and shattered as well. Everywhere I went I had carried you in my heart, in my talks, in my soul. I don't know where there is the fucking projector with sound system inside my mind and which exhorbiantly fast search engine it uses, because *insert a bad curse word- * I see something, I hear something remotely close to u or something we did together, it fucking plays itself all over again. I .  . What am I supposed to do? Believe me when I say I wish it was always like that, when one person forgets the other should automatically at the same time forget too. That might save a lot of this suffering..or atleast right now I think so. I don't care what Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind showed or what Elio's father said to him about nursing pain and to feel it, and still be open to it, I really don't.. because give me something to numb it, my heart is small, I am a small person, give my heart a knife, please. 

My body refuses to be proper, my eyes get wet and yet keep drying, I breathe, at times I speak, and then maybe try to smile to myself in the mirror or as selfies that I have been storing for each day. . And sometimes, I will not lie, everything is covered, it vanishes for some seconds, I forget that I am in this void with myself and sorrow, and then it comes back. You know, it comes back at weird hours, when I manage to sleep finally after hours of crying and pondering, suddenly you have come back to me and I wake up..and realise it's a dream.. my heart was sad before and in the dream as well, but this realisation makes it beat unimaginably fast, as if it wants to just leave my body and be free. It feels like a bad anxiety attack, and when it happens at the dead of the night, it leaves you in suffocation, in confusion, and in absolute helplessness because you don't know what to do and u also cannot just not do anything. It is scarier than all the ghosts I have imagined. 

I know, perhaps, this is temporary. And everyone gives the same set prescription for a heart break, I know somethings like this is natural, and this too shall pass. I am unable to accept. I am unable to accept that a part of my life which seems to me, as my life (only) right now is not anymore, the person I thought of as a soulmate, doesn't feel anything towards me..and I want to give you the..

.. I want to give you an understanding that it happens, and it was perhaps not your fault and that you are in pain as well maybe.. for different reasons.. but, sorry, right now, any such thing makes me see again and again, that it was so good to have you by my side always. To love and be loved .. every small and big thing we did .. and even things we didn't.. but my foolish mind thought and so many more .. the curl of your hairs, your eyes, shoulders, the comfort of you with me and the warmth of it all .. and even when things got haywire and we cried.. it was uncertain at times too.. my brain and my heart and whatever parts of me I could call mine.. they .. they don't understand, they don't accept that it is no more. They keep thinking it as one of those hard times and we will find out a way together, and here you more than ever ..that you will back ..and not leave me like this..

My eyes, my hands, my heart and every part of me that has known you.. thinks you are there.. this part maybe of denial, Denial that it has happened and you don't love any of us anymore. Denial that the relationship that we had is gone. And denial that there is no affection .. not an iota of it in the same person who once loved us so much. And then it gets angry too, that why didn't you try ? Why ? Despite knowing how it kills you, despite knowing that you couldn't have possibly done anything, despite knowing everything it still wants you to try.. and I am sorry for that. I also want you to try even after everything u told, I know hearing this might seem painful and as if I just don't understand you anymore or maybe never did .. because I know when you tell me to move on and try doing other things I feel the same .. and you know, this is how with varying intensities and a spectrum of emotion, this 'courtroom drama' that Neelam terms it, continues, with me being the accuser and me being the defendant from your side. . and me and me and me. . As I just keep searching for you to see all this and maybe somewhere (I feel guilty of saying this) change! (Maybe just this one thing ..not yourself) .and ...understand what is being done..

While it feels unimaginable and fathomlessly painful, like Alice falling in wonderland.. just that it is nothing happy, it is like being dismantled alongwith..and being sad and suffering and uncertain.

It feels a loss, an immeasurable one.. visible only in flashes.. sometimes and questions.. a loss of someone who is yours, and someone you though you belong to, someone to hug, kiss and laugh.. someone to talk to even when nothing seems right, someone to tell everything and someone who listens.. someone's loss. Wherein that someone is not just that person, it is you as well. I am losing myself everyday, bits of me die and as they die they make chaos. And amidst all this, I know nothing. Sometimes, I think you will understand what you are losing once you go out too, but I don't say that, because it feels wrong to wish something like that especially to you. . and basically for anyone, but at the heart of human is selfishness, I have realised. However, I am also afraid to say that thinking what if you don't, what if this was it.. and then thinking if it does, then where will I be .. will I want to be back if after this pain just would have been passed? And then, will it be ever normal? I don't think so. 

I have just started from somewhere and gone somewhere as thoughts broke, and rejoined at weird tangets and points. I don't know what to do with these words.. they couldn't be in. That much I know..

...And even after I say more, there is still more that I haven't or think haven't or things that I will still have to add/delete and maybe forget and remember ...

Oh what the fuck. I should just stop.

-Rashmi

03-01-2021