When a heart breaks does it make noise?

Everyday when I wake up I try to remember when did I sleep last night (morning I mean).. or did I sleep.. Every day it takes a little more energy to get out of bed and put up a normal face, as if nothing has happened. Tears leave every day when I bath, when I think, when I sit or try to sleep. In between my present, my past comes as flashbacks and my future seems to mock me badly.

No, don't hold yourself responsible for this. At times I am very confident that I am here because of my own things. Sometimes, I become a little petty, you know, I start thinking if there are things I will not forgive you for.. one day, I counted three such things. But, I know you tried to break it as gently as you could. Thanks for that. Maybe, someday I will understand more about it and be more thankful. Sometimes, I think I will be so. But, you know, at other times, an exhauted me just wants to go away from the way I have known life so far. I am so lost that I am not able to be and just existing, hurts a lot.

It is unfair that even a steel glass carelessly fallen makes a noise, but when a heart breaks there is not a decibel heard. I don't know what will I do with any noise whatsoever, I don't know much in general. Sleeping each night with tears and waking each day hoping to make it to the end of the day without bany major breakdowns is a beautiful struggle, perhaps, an apt reward/punishment for trying to think one is loveable or trying to love. 

Bella ciao.

(Not killing myself or dying.. just watched money heist)

-R 

17/08/2021

01:59am