The tides, me and life..

There will be days in your life, when you will seem to have so much in your hand, and yet not be at peace. The smallest things will continue to trouble you and much like the usual self you are, it will become like an emotional time bomb clicking much on its own. Things feel like autumn in spring, there will be no hot water to bath and you would not have combed your hair completely in days. There would seem a lump in your throat and tears barging the doors of your eyes. You will have no idea or control on your sadness or tears, and continuously feel bad for being at the place you are. 

I thought I might be okay with not being okay, but perhaps it is not so yet. I am afraid sometimes that it will never be.. I am 25 today. And it feels a bit alone. Though I have had nobody around to have  a conversation as well, but today is not that bad. I have cut two cakes in last 3 days, one being just yesterday for my birthday. Yet, it feels like a damage, sometimes too much to bear and sometimes thinking how to define it and cry. And at times, you do share because its uncontrollable. However, it also feels like pestering the people and support systems you have. Actually, I now feel if some one is sad for a day, they will be taken care of. People try to route their limited energies to the person in need, but that is inversely proportional to the time period taken for recovery. This is not because people do not care about you, but because they have to care about themselves as well.

It is like tides which aren't predictable or seen. You know at least once a month it is going to be challenging and you hope you are in a good place at that time and that it just happens once and you be able to bear it, or at the more needy times want to be around people, or at times just want to have enough work to distract yourself. At 25, my constant search for being okay, for being happy and a desired rest, positivity, a company to enjoy, people to share to and be with, and love.. all these will be okay one day. Even in deep pessimist thoughts, I peek into myself to find a glint of light, not very shiny but enough to say it will be alright someday.

So far, just okay, this is the good perhaps. 

Love,

R