Time after Time

 18th March 2021, afternoon-evening

It has been a while that I posted anything here, there were things to be shared but sometimes I, sometimes time didn't permit it to be written sooner than this. As a person, I think sometimes I do believe in destinies and sometimes that there are multiple roads, and multiple destinies. So, you see, I am confused as fuck, that's also something that I haven't done. 

I have not been honest to the brim here, trying to be a little covered up because the bare me embarrasses me and also is something I am scared of.. for myself and for others leaving. I also fear abandonment. I mean, in simple cases where we have a non-agreed gap in texts, and I also don't want to be the first person to text back because I attach my esteem to it.. but it is also my fear that you will not care to drop that text.. so I do it anyway. I guess, I am anxiously afraid of knowing truth, patience is something that does not come easy and I am sometimes not sure if I would like the result anyway at all. So I keep safeguarding me which anyway keeps hurting me. But, I do that, because that hurt is familiar. 

If you would know me, you would know I have much to be thankful for. And this multani mitti facepack that I have put on my face, shared some with my mother as well, this is holding me from having any emotional display. It feels like a good trap that tells me not to display what I feel because I am afraid of the questions and unsure about the answers that I have are the ones I have accepted as well.. and then totally fearful of the implications it will have. Oh, dear me., Look I might be boring you with this plethora of emotions because you see, it is how it is... Every time I think, there is hardly anything I can do to control the tears. Neither can these days I can control farts. :P

There are again changes to take place, and yet there is this numbness to protect myself from everything now, I have never been a person who doesn't prepare for worst case scenarios.. but of late, at times, I just take on the day as it is.. without plans. I have been trying to not think, to not plan and just be. Sometimes people say I have complicated emotions or have complicated life in general.. well.. maybe that is true, however, what else is true, is, that, I have a very simple dream .. I want to be happy. And in that happy while I want to be at peace with myself, I also want a few more people.. somebody to call home, some friends for life and a calm bond with family, some finances, a library with sunlight and plants, something meaningful to do that keeps me sane and cheers me up.. well, I have written like a demand note, the bottom-line of which is whether this way or otherway..the ideal that I think of now or any other way of living that I am not aware of right now, I want to be happy!

It has also been long that I hadn't written my diary as well. Back to back hectic work, low on sleep and a company of people after long... someone to hold on to as I sleep afraid of so much, somebody to give reassurances that "we are gonna be alright", somebody to share sadness and yet be stupid with.. an old friend whom however you couldn't express because you couldn't comprehend how beautiful it is to meet again..  A person you think you love and think there is love from the other side as well, sometimes you are hopeful and then perhaps, sometimes you are trying to prepare yourself to brace the hurricanes all over again with the same set, even when it hasn't stop being windy and rainy yet. 

Adult life is tough. And coins/currency changes are heavy. And there will be random memories of good times hitting you so bad, random craving to read the good and bad texts, and random things taking you to some people...like today it was peanuts and making peanut chutney, however some days back it wasn't the same with peanut butter. Maybe a lot of variables keep trying to fuck us up or maybe we just are nothing to the universe but think of ourselves as important. The truth either way is we die, however death as a concept also makes you afraid of losing so much. Acceptance is so hard. And living simply so tough. 

Maybe one day I will be mature & wise & smart and at peace. Maybe will be happy. May you be too. 

Happy March! :):

_ Yours R