6 months 21.06.2021

 You know I waited for this day.. wondering how I will be .. Swapna had told me that however I am and whatever I do, I must be in a better place 6 months down the line..and that it will not be easy.. and nothing might change, the pillow might be full of snot, and noone cares whether you do it with grace or not..

Before this I waited for things to be well, for us to meet and all. It is strange that now I understand the sadness that was around.. for some days now.. because it is only now at 11:30 pm almost that o realise that today is 6 months.. perhaps, ...nah..

I was going to say perhaps that's why you stopped replying to my MSG's, but then such dates you don't remember anyway..I just sometimes think if everything is okay.. should I still try to reach just to ensure everything is fine.. but then I stop majorly for two reasons, 1. If things are fine.. you have a right to be at peace away from me.. and knowing that you want that will take away a little bit of me again.. and I don't think myself to be that courageous right now.. and incase you are having a progress in that, I should not disturb you.. 2. If things are fine and I just still reach I will feel a Little more less of me, concreting the belief that I have low self worth and people don't value me, if I don't contact them, they might never contact me.. and at the same time, for once, I also want people to make me a part of their lives and their issues by their own will and choice, not because I kept bargaining at their doors, because I open up and vomit around pretty easily and when others don't do so, it again makes me question my importance. Umm... I know all this is not about me, I shouldn't make everything about myself, but it is how I am .. I am afraid that not just right now, but forever. 

 Maybe this is how all my forevers will be. Alone,sad and just sigh. And perhaps, I will be comfortable in the dark and with this life. I still have not accepted anything. If anything, I was able to delete the chats after exporting it to gmail. O don't know how and what and why I did it.. I do get some of it was anger and a bit of disheartened loss.. but who cares. 

Right now, I don't think I feel anything much. The sadness and all things are constant companions. And you don't need to feel guilty, I am a sad person. However much I try to think otherwise. O enjoy making myself suffering and pitying myself but never changing. People keep liking me because they don't know the truth. I am just this. And I sometimes wonder whether that's why I deserved all of this .. Neelam says that's not so. Everyone deserves to be happy. 

- Rashmi