Half the year has passed

Half the year has passed and it feels nothing.

I mean, Am I sad? Yes. 

Do I overthink and cry? Yes.

Am I breathing and crawling on my life? That too yes.

But, do I want the time to pass too quick and then die? Damn yes.

Just that I realise from time to time, that time is anyway gonna pass and I am also gonna die someday. But the realisation does not bring peace, contrary to what death seems to appear sometimes. No, I won't kill myself. I made that stupid promise to myself when I was a child. I miss my childhood me, she would have been a fun company. She was so much a person of her own and had dreams, needed no company to keep herself occupied and sane. Sometimes, we regret the version of ourselves that we are in some moments.

I know or better to say, I have been told that it gets tolerable and one day you will stop keeping a count. You will be okay. I don't know. I don't know so much yet and I am now more than ever unwilling to find out an iota more. I am so much done here. But, as hard as I try, it is hard to not hope. I wonder how people do it. Here am I sitting on my bed, trying my best to hold back tears as I write this or just exist.

I do not want to fall in love ever again. 

You know what, I should just do my office work, have a deadline to meet. 

The saddest thing about being an adult is you adjust to everything.

Tata,

Rashmi 

02-07-2021

11:58 am