nothing seems right, you know

 Hey..

 (no answer)

Hey.., I text again days after again.

.

.

You know, I watched Narcos, both the one on Escobar & Cali Cartel and the Mexico one. Liked them. A part of me wants to go to those countries, Columbia for starters. Wish I actually invest in my spanish.

In Narcos, there is an emotional moment when Escobar misses his cousin when his end is near. He tells him something like, "..nothing seems right, you know... It all changed the day you left.." 

I recently read "Anxious People" by Fredrik Backman. In that also, so many people have stories, a peep in their world, and how life "gets" you.. how everything changes in one afternoon.. and all your terrible fears about yourself, seems about right. A few things were relatable, thus I would say. 

It said how terribly easy it is to fail at being a grown-up.. I hope you have conversations with others, not just stay sad. I too try, you know. I am trying. Nothing majorly helps, everything wears off.. everything. 

I also read "The thing around my neck" by Adiche. A woman writes experiences in a felt way. I read two books this July, a major improvement. June, I spent in watching online series. I steer clear of anything romantic. It all reminds me more of you, like Neruda says in his poem, everything around seems to be little boats that carry me to the isle of yours.

Sometimes, I think I am remembered too. But, I do not wander in that thought much. It is easier for me to think negative of me, then to somehow end up looking foolish.. In Broklyn 99, there is a scene where the protagonist Jake loves someone but they break-up, actually the girl breaks up.. and he had gone after trying everything, to return her stuff. He is still hopeful. When he hands over the box of belongings to the girl in the lobby, he closes his eyes and turns to ask the receptionist if she is looking back.. desperately.. like.. "..tell me, is she still looking back..?" The man who is in the reception looks at him confused, but he does not see it. Why?  Because she left the place and climbed the stairs the moment she got the box and said goodbye. I remind myself some nights, that I am being Jake from this scene. You are no longer out here looking, you never were. Sometimes, I stretch it to understand how it gets over for some people so quick, like it never mattered.. and it might not be their fault. Another thing I want to make clear is don't think it is your fault, just because I am unable to handle it.

Maybe, it will also get better for me someday. Maybe, it won't. Maybe this is just who I am. And that's all I need to accept. (If we could still talk, I would confide in that I still don't have any clue on how to accept.) In Bojack Horseman, that I watched before Narcos, I felt like a bit of many of those characters.. but not fully. Except for bits and pieces that were staggeringly true for me, it did not impact me, I did not feel anything. But, in that Bojack once says, in your life you keep thinking about the pieces that don't fit in, and then one day you realise, you are the piece that does not fit in. Sometimes, I feel like that piece. But more importantly, in that show, they say, "Life is a bitch. And then you die.... But, at times, Life is a Bitch.. and you live.."

- Rashmi :): 

28th July 2021 (started around 19:30 - 20:49)