Existence-less (2/2)

(continued. Morning-Afternoon 15th Oct 2021)

Maybes are things which break you. As did this, couldn't write more as my heart and eyes felt it too be too much. Now again, I rise. Everyday is pretty much the same, but more varied than yours I guess. I guess, being an adult is losing count of days, not understanding where each day goes and then suddenly one day, your parents have gone old, you no longer are the person who really thought you were, people who loved you have left, and you are unable to love your friends as patiently and as openly as you did. Perhaps, growing up is learning to just bottle up things, not because there aren't people who will hear you out, but because despite everything, you know deep down you are exhausted with the same things for almost a year now. 

And, I mean, I keep thinking, if this is who I am.. sometimes, I am able to tick all the boxes, that guide me to the same conclusion, that I am a deeply sad person, and I always was. Not like enormous wrongs have happened to me, but just I am unable to dwell on the present or live in the moment without expectations, without worries. I guess, I have always been this rude and weird person, who talks to herself and other imaginations follow. Among  the different versions of me throughout space and time, I really liked myself in IIT. Maybe, it was you, maybe us, maybe friends who first met me saying on my face that I am Vella. Maybe, when one is loved, that's a different kind of high, a level we keep searching for later on, like a deer trying to locate kasturi. 

Life goes on, whether or not we are happy or in the moment. Things that could have gone wrong, have mostly gone wrong, the first of Murphy's law. But perhaps, they haven't gone that much wrong as it could have. Hope is a really weird thing, it is something extremely difficult to let go. And maybe, for more than I know, my life is going to be a series of letting go. And amongst all those, letting go of myself and see where the drift takes it, is a dangerous amount of trust that life seeks of me right now. Trust, something that I haven't been one of the best practioners of, and now, it seems to come harder. There is no guarantee right, that tomorrow someone won't hurt me, someone would not give up, atleast not so easily, someone would be willing to stay. I mean, that's the thing to learn. To be fine with or without. To be complete in oneself. To be without expectations and worries, give your best and hold everything very lightly. I know I am not that person. And all of this, then becomes a challenge. If you aren't happy with yourself, nothing can make you happy right. So perhaps, it will be as it is, or, maybe it won't? Maybe, stupidity and the dark cravings that come with loneliness will take over. . Judge me, I do care but it doesn't matter. I have so far lived all my bad days, you too have, the game is to see how long.. (nah, that's too dark).  

You will be alright. I too shall be alright. It is amazing how my brain remembers so much of our conversations. But forgets the parts where it promised to not hurt itself more, to move on, to let go, and bla bla..

I look at myself. And then thoughts flow. Variety of them. I don't want to mention them here. Maybe when the rich and sorted couldn't hold their relationships and partners close enough, I am no where to think that I could have. So I hope good comes to you and to me, and I am here to see how my life goes on from here, because I have a negative version ready for me, and if it goes that way, or worse, there are conclusions awaiting to be validated.

I am not that sad as it might sound, just literature has its own way of expressing. Hey, 15th October, and the plans thereof, please don't trouble me much. . Let us bid farewell, shall we? Even though I know, you would not hesitate in that too, It will always be me, because, coming from a deep insecurity is the fact that if I don't, people won't. It has always been easier for others to let go of me.. 

Anyway, cannot self loathe this much. It's Vijayadashami. One of the days, when as a child, I would have fun, following Maa Durga to the river and saying her goodbye and hoping she comes soon next year..

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Sometimes, we just write so much ...that it all becomes meaningless.

Here is to the thoughts that are around..and to knowing ourself as dark shadows and walking in dark lanes, with more such..

Love,

R