A word, a line.

 I am not here to write or explain or get something off mg chest.. because for all of that one would need to feel.

I actually thought for the longest time in my life that I write to get sadness out of me, it must be a compulsion of those times or at times to remember or express the feelings I have felt ..

However, these days, and maybe sometime back as well it has dawned on me, that, sometimes our brains block a major chunk of thought it deems exceptionally huge for us to process (this part I read up on google- so credits to whoever wrote it, not mine in any way). Yea.  So I was to talking of that sadness and questions that will keep you company.. and you will continue having little tea parties, without tea, sans news or happiness, keeping yourself in amazeless aimless hunting for a moment you thought . And to all those memories which are stored as bits of information processed as cassettes. And all the words you have learnt, in quotes, in poems and as stories...they will keep coming back to you for support, for blame, for comfort and all the irrelevance.

You know, I wasn't sure of putting much up here as well, as I know most people don't read it here, however wasn't sure about revealing to some who do. I do not get sometimes, what people mean when they do things, that would have surely broken their hearts as well. . I mean, whether I am to be happy knowing that it was so much care for me or whether to be sad that my care probably wasn't enough..or to clear things or just left them as they are lest they get worse, or such many ifs and bits and what ifs and all. 

I am probably not the most sureshot persons you will ever meet, my go to line in most situations is "I don't know". I have been running perhaps from a lot of things since a long time, and increasingly it seems, that whatever I do, the Destiny perhaps is to end up this way or here. Or maybe not, maybe this is just one of the occasional blankets. I am unsure if a lot. And yet, I am hopelessly numb, because that makes things much easier, the day goes a little better with dotted tears, questions and silences. Perhaps, as Rumi says, we should just peel ourselves from the mirror, be silent, as that's the sure proof that we died..dunno what he means from that..maybe, to accept all the voices and all the silence, maybe self love and maybe that life is gonna be this way always. The most valued are meant to be lost in ways which you would have always feared or not.. I don't know how much sense all this makes, I am just not thinking much. Do not want to actually.

Will rest. 

Good night and take care..

Probably I should say as always,

Love 

R.

12.12.2020.