Rumblings again

 I don't know what happens when we love someone. I don't know what exactly happened when I fell in love with you or why it should be falling not flying.. I felt so light. And I think I did tell you never in my life I had such a happy period in my life as the months we started .. and today, it feels immensely damaging, infinitely hopelessness that is around, so much that I have forgotten if there more to my life than this relationship that you broke away from. 

I once read somewhere that when we love, we place an infinite trust on the other person, the power to destroy us but knowing that they will not. But, what if they do? 

Well, I don't want to hold anything against anyone, I want to accept it completely. It happens. It is like the tragedy of Sofie Mol dying in a second, and nobody could do anything.. in God of small things. But, the replications, they are painfully huge. 

Perhaps, here also, if I take the high road, I want to be able to be okay with the fact that people outgrow love like old clothes and then either try to bury the remnants or give them away, whatever be the rationale- of somebody else using them or for making more space in their own closets of what they want now or just to have a minimalist style.

People change. 

Feelings, what about them? 

Well, perhaps they are outgrown too. 

I wonder, do nothing carries them to the person they once loved so much that they could recognise their smell? To me, I have not forgotten many things about many people, who might not remember me. It sometimes feels very heavy to me, to be myself. I wish I be comfortable in myself, be happy myself. I have longed to be happy. You will not understand this, if you have not longed it. I don't want to write anymore. It feels like my eyes will not allow more. I wait for a solitude so cold and beautiful that I cry loudly, and nobody comes to see, ease or hears that bitter sobbing. This is how my year ends and how it begins. And frankly, it doesn't matter anymore.