Anger & Disappointments (part 1/∞)

 So you may say it again that no time was decided it was just said "sometime tomorrow...guess". 

Well, yeah.  That fucking tomorrow of yesterday ends in exactly 30 minutes. And then, I was wrong to expect this much ...maybe.. maybe yes, again.

That tomorrow will end within some minutes. And just like that the month of May will too. That May, for which I was given a lollipop of meeting up, back in Jan around 4 months ago. 

I really don't want to feel sad about any of it. I do. And that's where I think my problem is. I keep my expectations, I keep some of those doors open thinking probably this time you won't hurt me because you know it hurts.. but, I forget, it slips away .. that perhaps, what I am trying to do is change you. And nobody changes for anyone, or maybe you don't, maybe I also don't.. and maybe being changed is not one of the things expected if other people.

But just like I still wait for you at times that were never decided or even hours before and after when they had been decided but obviously we cannot plan ahead our days.. (actually we just need to allocate time to things we feel that are important to us).. but anyway, my counsellor says, all these are ways in which I am disrespected and not valued.

I didn't believe her the day she said those things. I defended.. idk why and whom .. near an invisible jury. I loved you the best way I can. And I will always hold it against this system, which requires the consent of two people to come into a relationship, but it takes only one of them to break away. I wish we had the memory eraser from eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind, sometimes..at times like this.. even as I write this, somewhere my mind tells me to not write such hurtful things because it is not the whole truth, because I also want to store everything with bittersweet nostalgia and drops of sadness. 

You see, how hard it is for me to complain a nd vent out anger on you lest it may hurt. I know you don't do that much either.. very few things perhaps anger, disappoint and hurt you like that maybe. It's a good thing perhaps, to be unbothered about such things.. sometimes I feel small and tiny to be affected by these .. but my counsellor says I should not be sorry for the way I feel. She says my long texts are expressive and she likes to get them. I don't know. 

I watch the series she suggested, "broken but beautiful", and though it is not exactly us, soemtimes the lead character says a few things and it resonates so much.. Swapna says, I need to let go of expectations... Maybe I will be able to do so one day. Yes, when no time is decided, it was no time either and it still bothers me. What can I do? I thought of 6/7 because usually that's the time but yeah.. what's gone is gone.. I cannot just unpack and stay here in pain forever, I think somewhere I am afraid to get up, collect all those pieces and sometimes even fuck all such pieces of pieces and go.. but I also don't want to continue feeling this that i am.. I don't want to the sad, mean and broken, angry, clueless person I am.. just for myself, I want to smile again, laugh a bit and be alone but not lonely.

Wish you health, and more. Take care. 

- R.

Sunday, May 30th 2021

11:29 pm to 11:44 pm.