Vomiting words

 May 23rd, 11:30 pm

I don't understand sometimes the boundaries, the gaps and the edges .. getting bumped and hurt all over, falling in and being broken are sometimes the regular drinks I am having. Self-love pages say we should try to be our best friend, learn to be alone and enjoy that time, cut off, be in, let go, move on, meditate, talk, draw, dance, run, exercise, laugh, see the sunrises, read and write among several other things. One of my selfs just laugh at those because it is not like these things are new, not like we consciously choose to not love ourselves and be dependent our whole lives, just waiting for a warm hand to walk across in drenched clothes, after a thunderstorm that rained only on us. 

We (I say we because I am aware we are each lost in our fishbowls, but have this in common) are tired. We have tried and failed and then met and loved and hoped and lost. And we find it wrong to hold it against anyone, but at times aren't able not to. We cry, at mornings, in the evenings and at nights and in between.. nobody wronged us anything or much, just it feels a lot of burden to be careless and happy again. Fear of all sorts just looks round the corner, as if waiting for you to hold anything, anything in your hand again, that would leave and go. Abandonment is one of my issues I feel, while noone has actually done so to me. It is like what I feel one of my selfs to be a mean, rude, selfish, sadistic monster..with no ability to love anyone honestly and in that she is supported by my imposter self. People say go to a counsellor and she might help. Maybe. Maybe, I will go too. But which of my personalities I let her talk to?

For sure, it is not like I am the victim always right? However much I keep playing that card, I am also someone who would have hurt many, but none of them ever said a word of their pain.. I feel bad to not have that strength and generosity.. each time I pull out something from the past, a deadline, a missed something, some edgy and Sharp truths that have at different times hurt me, expectations that I have keep building on like Jenga.. and when all of those are retold, the instances of Jenga falling are multipled in my mind, but nobody was anywhere responsible for building that giant Jenga that I kept on with, even when it was made evident from the start by the other party that it is not something to be believed in. Then, who hurt me? Who hurt me other then my own fucking self?! 

This may sound like I don't love myself but you get it right? I am continuously writing about myself, without a breathe, what does it tell you about my nature? Who talks so much about themselves? It might be the way I let out but still, so much, so frequently? I self loathe so much, that there are parts of me that feel disgusted while others that feel sorry. Hurt people hurt People, said Morrie in Tuesdays with Morrie. I have known people who have been hurt so much, trust shattered but are the sweetest beings that ever were. I told you I don't understand where such humanness comes from, because very frankly I don't have it. I am at max a cry baby if I say it politically wrong to myself. 

But amidst other things, as may is ending, the Mays of expectations, the giant Jenga game I am hoping to stop little by little, to try not be a sad little self but as Charlie says in Perks of Being a Wallflower, I am also waiting for that moment when I also believe "we are infinite".. however, another self of mine had questioned me as how would I know what infinity feels like? How does anyone know? I am getting asked by her if I even do know what love is ? How am I sure and so adamantly using that? Is it not just fear and need? Everytime I have come across situations where I was needed to take care of someone who actually loved and cared for me so much, I have found myself to be short tempered, selfish and a bad person, an imposter trying to be emphatic but instead being self-centred and unhelpful. I see people around, and I am like how the fuck how are you beautiful in and out, despite being broken and hurt more than me..  how do people care for others and themselves.. 

It is all so astonishing, so amusing if you will also watch it sometime.. at times, you might feel like Gregor Samsa from The Metamorphosis watching others from a weird viewpoint..things are not as bad as I write here perhaps, because writing in itself wants something to be told in a way you can express, it's poetic and therapeutic you should try. Once I write, while writing the tears leave and it feels better, like the calm sleep one feels after a good orgasm, just that that's a satisfying happy one, and this is between negative intergers and zero. . But this does its work, and so will I also go off to do my work and hopefully actually do it.

It's a pandemic out there and within us are all of our stuggles with ourselves, mixed with different flavours each day. I wish you strength, health, love and patience.

Take care loved one.

- Rashmi :):

24th May, 2021 (00:02 am)